A woman called and told me she thinks Myrtle is in her neighbor's yard. She saw a tiny, skinny black chihuahua run back there and they had seen it there for the past few days. She didn't know if the chihuahua was still there, but she would call me back.
Missing Myrtle has somehow uncovered all the tender parts of my heart. The ones that I successfully cover up all day, all week. Get up, go to work, laugh with my colleagues, go out for dinner, watch a movie – I can do all this because those parts are all wrapped up tight.
But when I miss her, when I remember that she is out there alone... nothing can be wrapped up. My nose runs, tiny hiccups of air from crying, body heavy. There is just me alone, with a wounded heart, bare and vulnerable.
All the times I've ever felt lost, alone, helpless – they seem to rise up and just wash over all of me. Myrtle has found me out.
Remember, being a child, watching Milo and Otis, or being read The Little Lost Puppy – totally immersed in emotion, never knowing if this sadness would end.
What am I supposed to learn? What am I supposed to do now? When will this end?
oh my god, i truly and totally and fully hope that woman is right. the connection between you two is still so strong that it instantly pulls out all of your deepest feelings. in a weird way, the fact that you two are still so intimately and innately connected proves she is still not only a part of your life, but feeling your energy and sending it right back. in a weird way, maybe it's to remind you there is hope. i don't know - i cannot imagine this feeling - but i hope there is a lesson, there is goodness in this pain. goodness yet to come that we can't even guess. the biggest love to you tonight, and little m, wherever she is.
ReplyDeleteDid the woman spot the dog again? Maybe they will let you set up a trap in her yard? Do you have enough traps to work with? Myrtle is a survivor and is finding a way.
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