Sunday, September 15, 2013

Maybe this will make me feel better - less paralyzed.

A woman called and told me she thinks Myrtle is in her neighbor's yard. She saw a tiny, skinny black chihuahua run back there and they had seen it there for the past few days. She didn't know if the chihuahua was still there, but she would call me back.

Missing Myrtle has somehow uncovered all the tender parts of my heart. The ones that I successfully cover up all day, all week. Get up, go to work, laugh with my colleagues, go out for dinner, watch a movie – I can do all this because those parts are all wrapped up tight.

But when I miss her, when I remember that she is out there alone... nothing can be wrapped up. My nose runs, tiny hiccups of air from crying, body heavy. There is just me alone, with a wounded heart, bare and vulnerable.

All the times I've ever felt lost, alone, helpless – they seem to rise up and just wash over all of me. Myrtle has found me out.

Remember, being a child, watching Milo and Otis, or being read The Little Lost Puppy – totally immersed in emotion, never knowing if this sadness would end. 

What am I supposed to learn? What am I supposed to do now? When will this end?